A Mirror, Not A Projector

 

I want to thank those of you who keep checking back to see if I have posted any blogs. I noticed this morning that I have just crossed over the 10,000 page view mark. I want you to know that I really appreciate that! Thank you for reading these words.

I'm one of those who has to "work myself up" to face certain situations...like life. No really, like dealing with other people. After I wrote The Gift, I experienced an epiphany. It was as if a complex set of concepts all came together at once and now....I am pressed to view things a bit differently. It's not a complete change in my way of living (though there are things I need to change) rather it is a greater willingness...or responsibility toward boldness.

Someone once described me as a "nervous" person. I have to admit, though I dislike that that comes through...it is true. I won't go too much further, but I am the most introverted person I know. (That's kind of a joke since introverted people don't really get to know that many people.) It's been my excuse for not being more open and available to others. More that that, it's been my excuse for not being more open about and sharing my FAITH with others. My fear is an easy excuse to avoid boldness.



Speaking of projectors (just trust me)...

Projectors are good. I use them every day to flash PowerPoint slides up on the screen while I teach about psychology. They project my ideas, and the many (better) ideas of others up for the students to see. I work hard on those slides and change them every time I teach from them. They represent the best information and the best method for presenting it that I can come up with at the time. You get the picture? (ha ha) I work hard on them, I change them, I put MY slant on the information. I like to explain things as I see them (as you can tell).

Mirrors are different. The mirror doesn't lie, and won't allow me to put MY slant on what is seen, or not seen in the reflection. What is reflected is a perfect representation of what is causing the reflection. I may or may not like what I see in the mirror..but it is the truth.

I am here (on earth) to be a mirror...not a projector. I am here to reflect the Glory of my Creator, my Father God.
I think of the encouragement in the Bible:
"But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."
Matthew 10:19-20

That was Jesus talking to his 12 best friends, closest confidants, and brightest students. He didn't want them speaking out of their own wisdom in the most dire times in their lives...He reminded them that they just needed to mirror what God wants them to say, not project what they think they should say or do.

Projecting my own interpretation and "wisdom" into my witness is bound to be filled with inaccuracies. The mirror though, the mirror reflects the truth. Despite the mish-mash of genetics of which I am a product; despite the limitations of my personality, I was designed to be a perfect mirror of His Glory.

Even as I type that I imagine a broken, spotted, cloudy, mirror which fractures the image it is mirroring...but so did Paul:

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking round high and mighty!
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size -- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 (The Message version)

I don't have to, nor am I designed to project myself...I am uniquely faceted to reflect Him.

I was created to be a mirror, not a projector.

It allows me to greet people a little more often. It allows me to step into someones life AS I AM, not as I think I am supposed to be.

It is hard to imagine this, but, in my Father's eyes, I am exactly what I am supposed to be...just right...His masterpiece...His child.

And so are you.

One Very Special Student

I was reminded yesterday how special it is to have you in my classes. There I was, sharing information I thought was interesting, trying to explain the concepts involved to, what seemed like a room full of very bored, very distracted students.

Some were just too busy with their cell phones (cleverly hidden under the desk, or behind their backpacks) to care what I was saying. Others were locked in fascinating conversations with each other, either out loud or on paper (cleverly passed back and forth when I wasn't looking).

Sure, there were the "eye-rollers" too. Those are fun. I guess they don't realize that I am not trying to keep them from their more important activities outside of the classroom...I'm just trying to concentrate and give them the best chance of understanding the information they need from my class.

Now, to be fair, a few were listening. They looked at me, read what was on the board, even took a few notes. I appreciate them. I appreciate them so much that I give them extra points at the end of the semester. Look at me while I am talking to you and you can not fail my class, I won't let you.

About a year ago I was so distressed by the fact that most of my students don't seem to like me (yes...I take it personally, even though I know that 90% of the time it is not) that I was seriously contemplating dropping the whole teaching gig.

Then I remembered the incredible amount of time off I am afforded and decided I could put up with almost anything. It's a good trade off. I also realized that I can't possibly reach everyone in the class....not even 50%...not even 25%. In reality, I am speaking to 10 to 15% of the room. I may be under-estimating...but I am afraid that is the truth.

Then there is you.

You never nod off. You never text. You never look bored, in fact, if I didn't know better, you look like you are fascinated by every thought I share. You care what I am saying. When I stumble, or mis-speak, your smile is so encouraging. You've given me so many "breaks." Just having you there seems to make it all worthwhile. It re-energizes me; helps me to feel like I am there for a reason, that what I am doing is important, whether parts of it are boring or not.

So I just want to say "thank you". You being with me gives me the joy I've always wanted to feel in my work. You know, without you I don't think I could do it. In fact,

I'm sure of it.

Thanks Jesus.



"Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it for the Lord and not merely for people."  Colossians 3:23
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Jesus)  Matthew 28:20

Drowning...Never

Things have been kind of crazy lately.

Delma had major surgery and came through it very well. She is doing wonderfully in her recovery. At the same time, Little One somehow either injured her leg...or there is something else going on in there that IS NOT welcome and she has been limping for almost a month. Has another appointment, a referral to an Orthopedic specialist tomorrow. If you know my sinful nature, I tend to be a worrier so...I've conjured up every horrible disease known to man for the pain to be a symptom of. (I do know better than to go on WebMD though: "Don't tell me it could be cancer! I my sick, worrisome mind KNOWs it could be cancer...tell me how unlikely that is, tell me how it just has to be something else."

Another incredible possible blessing in the financial department has turned into a nightmare. Not only is there to be no financial blessing...but it is looking like it could cost us quite a bit (no I did not try a get rich scheme....I was just minding my own business).

My car is broken. Like, put her out of her misery broken.

Delma lost perhaps the most important parent-figure in her life over the weekend and this was certainly taxing on her and her family.

But God is FOR me and my family. He is present in these trials that come to "test" my faith. He answers my questions with real reassurances. And praise Him, He reminds me to be wary of self-pity and fear.

These trials are the trials of life...just bunched a little closer than I like.
He is using, and will use them to train me to be the servant I asked Him to make me to be. (WHY did I pray that!?) He is and will use them to grow Little One out beyond herself (sorry Little One...but we all need that kind of training). And He is bringing about His perfection.

I was grumbling to myself last night during a particularly unpleasant part of the weekend and, after rebuking the self-pity and frustration suddenly thought, clear as a bell, "What blessing is there without suffering?"

What knowledge is gained without trial and difficulty.

What good is the tool that never gets "dinged?"

I'm done living in the tool kit, safely tucked into the pockets, all shiny and polished, never used.

God has every right to use the life He gave me however He chooses to do so. There is no drowning in His arms.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."  Isaiah 40:31

I Don't Love My Wife.

3:30am...I was awake, and knew I was going to be awake for quite awhile. By now I know very well when I am NOT going to be going back to sleep.

Of course I didn't know why...so in "crazy" Christian style, I asked.

"What do you want to say to me Jesus?"

Silence....and more silence....

"What a stupid question." I punishingly chided myself.

Then, as my mind was wondering, I started thinking about couples I have seen recently and what I would tell them if I thought it would help. In each and every case I would pull the man aside and say,

"The only way you can save your marriage is to love your wife more than you love yourself."

I was shocked at the simplicity of this statement. It was suddenly so very clear....if they could just get that point...if they could put it into practice in even a small way, they would save their marriages.

"Ha!" I thought to myself, "That will be the day when you can say that and expect them to listen, learn, or understand."

Then I must have dozed off, had a disturbing dream, and woke up.

"What do you want to say to me Jesus?"
"The only way you can save your marriage is to love your wife more than you love yourself."
"But my marriage isn't at risk...I didn't know it needed saving."
.....

I read that the bible tells husbands to "love your wife" 32 times in 32 different passages. It only tells wives to do so twice. I like to think that that is because women are so good at loving others, whereas men are not naturally inclined to do so.

I also know that it is because we men are 95% of the time responsible for "checking out" of our marriages. Coasting. Moving on to other things (job, money, children, fun, wine, whatever).

I believe we are called to be men of power, men with voices, men of love.

Why is that so hard?

Because somewhere along the way I forgot to put my pride, my fears, my self-adoration on the cross. It's a wonder my wife and child can even see me.

Rather than the armor of God, I've put on the armor of Richard.

The belt of silence, the breastplate of "Leave me alone." The shoes of solitude, The helm of escape. The sword....

Now where did I put my sword?

Dear God let my daughter be found by someone better than me.

Dear God help me to love my wife the way you love me.

Oh, and that disturbing dream: My daughter was sick. I was sitting on the couch and my wife came and was displeased that I was not helping her. She wanted me to read something she had written and I refused and stormed out of the room. I went in our room and found that she had purchased new clothing for me, and rearranged the room to look very nice (and the bathroom was probably finished too right hon?).

She had come to me asking me to take care of her, when she had already taken care of me.

"Husband's love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
Ephesians 5:25

What, Me...a Warrior?!

In his book Wild at Heart, John Eldridge puts forth the thesis that all men, being created by God, in His image, are motivated by three fundamental needs: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, a beauty to fight for.

Of late, I find myself returning over and over to the warrior heart within me. I used to believe that my battles were fought pretty much in front of the TV while playing PS3 shooters. I never really found too much to awaken my warrior at work, in class...(though I am sure some of my students see me as a villain.)

In counseling, I guess my fight is against depression, divorce, abuse, hopelessness...but, after all, talking never really felt like "fighting."

But that's the illusion isn't it; the lie. In my case, and in the case of many others I'm sure, the lie provides a double wound:

1) "There is no battle for you."
2) "You aren't equipped to fight anyway."

So, I have looked for countless substitutes:

I spent over $2000 and 2 years getting a brown belt in Karate ("Not even a black belt, just a brown. Guess you just aren't good enough.")

I have several guns and a license to carry a concealed handgun ("Weapons which just sit there, impotent without a battle.").

I spend hours each month playing video games in which I get to "fight." And I don't write, and I don't talk, and I don't love...just "fight" battles which mean nothing.

And then I go to work, give a lecture to blank and bored faces...and I feel defeated. ("You suck at this...and you're boring.")

I counsel the couple trying to fend off divorce, and they get divorced. ("FAIL: You let them down. You let their kids down.")

I reflect on how far I've come, and remember what a loser I was... ("Once a loser, always a loser.")

I am proud of my earnings one month, until I remember how I have already mis-handled that money, being buried in debt. ("You are going to ruin your family.")

FAIL "I am a failure." "I am pathetic." "I am a loser." "I am not a warrior, I am a casualty."


The voice! It sounds like my own. It YELLS at me, constantly indicting me with such malicious, hostility I could bend and easily break. "End it. Give up." The whisper is sickening to me. But it is there, in the dark, in the worst of moments. Suddenly; catching me by surprise.

What if the voice were not my own...?

What if that is part of the lie...?

What if the voice is the voice of the enemy, with whom I have agreed for so long that I can't tell his voice from my own?


No one has ever spoken to me like that, my father came close but not overtly. No one would ever say those things to me...unless they wanted to hurt me. Why would I want to continue hurting myself? Why, at 44, do I keep trying to tear myself down? Why, as a husband to a wonderful wife would I allow myself to weaken to the point of being unable to lead the family? Why, as a father of a 10 year old daughter would I ever put myself through those lashings, whippings, psychological beat-downs?

"Curb every passion, and be on the alert. Your great accuser, the Devil, is going about like a roaring lion to see whom he can devour." 1 Peter 5:8 (Weymouth NT)

In other versions the word "accuser" is translated adversary. I certainly experience the "adversary" as an accuser. Not a fair fight at all. He knows my wounds, knows my weaknesses, and seeks to use them against me.

Now, for those who scoff...I have too. I don't want to be one of those people who gets freaked out about Satan, and demons and such. I know I'm not going to be demon possessed and you won't ever find me trying to cast one out.

But, if I believe that the bible is the infallible Word of God. Then the words found therein ALL apply to my existence.

Back to 1 Peter 5:8. One other word there rings true to me. "Devour." Peter, (the guy who denied Christ 3 times before the rooster crowed; 1st person observer to the life and teachings of his Master, Jesus) didn't say, "he's prowling around to scare" or "to give you bad thoughts." He said, he (the Devil/Satan) is prowling around looking for someone to eat...chew up and destroy.

That's pretty intense. So, how do you destroy a man?

Tell him he's weak. Tell him he's not equipped. Tell him to give up. Remind him of his failures. Convince him you don't exist. Convince him he's got plenty of time. Call him a failure.

It's worked so many times down through the ages.

And it could work with me too. Just lull me into hopelessness, and I'll piddle my life away; along with the gifts and talents God purposefully blessed in me.

Ephesians 2:10 “We are his works of art, created for good works in Christ.”

But my Warrior spirit stirs.

Next: Am I equipped?

Abba! Father!

Now I say, as long as the heir is a child, he does not differ at all from a slave although he is owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by the father. So also we, while we were children, were held in bondage under the elemental things of the world. But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.

                                                                                                                                (Galatians 4:1-7)

I'm 44 years old and it has taken this long for God to move me to the point that I begin to contemplate this concept: That God did not just create me as I might "create" a SeaMonkey (remember those?) God created me IN HIS IMAGE. He created me to be His SON. Not the Christ, but His Son by adoption. And he didn't just give me His name...He gave me the Spirit of His Son so that I might really understand what it means to look up to Heaven and say "Daddy! Father!"

That thought strikes so deep at the wound from my own earthly father that I have spent much of my silent time letting the words wash over me.

"You are my Son...I chose YOU. I love YOU. I saved YOU from slavery. I want you to recieve Sonship. Take the gift of My Spirit into your heart and know that YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!"

Thanks Dad.

Iron

I have a friend. Let's call him....Ken.

Ken is going "under the knife" soon and I thought I would share a verse that has been rolling around in my head (which I don't believe is coincidence by the way).

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

If I could chose a friend for my own daughter, I would choose someone just like my friend Ken: Someone who loves you as you are; someone who is genuinely interested in what you think; someone who would never speak ill of you to others; someone who makes you better for having known them; a true friend.

I, as a father would choose just that kind of friend for my daughter.

I'm glad God, my Father, choose someone just like that for me.

And, God may not "move the chess pieces," as my friend Ken likes to say, but He is powerful enough to get us to move them where they need to go, when we are listening.