Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Her version of "Wash Me"

Yesterday afternoon as we were preparing to go out, my princess, noting the layer of dirt on my bumper chose to write a message to me. "I love my Daddy". I guess I won't be washing for another several weeks.

Why is it I want to save everything she touches. I have scraps of paper she made a couple of marks on from 6 years ago. I guess that is the nature of "cherishing." I cherish everything she does. Or do I? Do I cherish her time, and how she spends that time? I have to honestly ask myself that question. The answer is not so attractive to me. I sometimes see in myself the dark selfishness which has plagued me since my youth. Sometimes I'd rather do this or that and not cherish her presense in my life.

How odd. How tragic. One day in the not to far distant future, she won't be a child anymore. I will so miss her (though I have noticed that, though I miss her 3s, I enjoyed her 4s, and though I miss them, I enjoyed her 5s.....and so on.)

I know that she cherishes her time with me. She reminds me every day, asking me to stay, having a hard time separating from me. It will not always be this way either. Some day soon she will choose to go out rather than stay with me. Some day she will choose to talk to a friend on the phone rather than stay with me.

What is wrong with me? I am lost in the trap of "my time." This is "my time" and if I give it away by spending it with you, it will be lost forever. How much of this Daddyspeak will be about things that happened during "my time?" 0% This is about her time...and the gift to me of being able to share in some of "her time."

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