Parenting Manual

 Long time no write. So long, my suspicion is, that the followers I have are no longer following. That's o.k., it served it's purpose and now can take on a new purpose. I've been lazy in my writing; well, that's not actually the whole story. I have been writing more in the past 2 or 3 years than ever before, it's just for other purposes. I think I have probably written that book I always wanted to write, it's just that it would never sell as a collection of some obscure Community College Associate Professor/Counselor/stand in preacher's ramblings (even if much of that rambling was pretty good if I do say so myself).

Early on, when I tried to think on what I would write, the words of my Mother would often come back to me: "Write what you know." Well, I knew a lot of different things, none to perfection, but I did often think I could probably write a parenting manual. In fact, I once wrote a letter to my Father in response to his lamenting raising a step-child. I noted in the letter that, while I was helping to raise my step-son Adrian, that I wished there was a book on how to do it. My Dad said later that when he read that he thought..."You're right Rich, why don't YOU write one." (One of the nicest compliments he ever paid me.)

Now, there are literally hundreds of books on parenting out there. No real need for another one. Not to mention...I may know a lot about parenting a child and an adolescent, step and biological, but I have been confronted with the reality in the past 2 years that I know painfully little about how to be a parent to a young adult. That may sound cliche' but, I am used to being kind of an expert (in my own mind) in the area of appropriate responses to the needs of others. One of my super-powers has always been the ability to anticipate needs and feelings, and respond accordingly. I figure 8 times out of 10 I get it close enough that I am effective.

 Now, my super power has failed me in a way which causes significant consternation (thought of that word which I haven't used in years and wanted to type it.) I literally am in a time of my life that I had NO idea would exist. Empty nest is not just the grief a parent feels when their child leaves home...it is the amazing adjustment to the reality that: They are not coming back. They do not need much of what they used to receive/require. There really is no official place in their lives for their parents (other than financiers for awhile). That is the way it's supposed to be.

 How did I not know that? How did I not anticipate that? Probably because if I had it would have made me very sad. I remember LITERALLY believing that when Dora grew up, her mother and I would move next door to her...well, maybe not next door, but close by. That may happen eventually when she is established. We could at least move to the same state to enjoy Grandparent duties, but I doubt she needs us to move next door!

Another strange and interesting byproduct...I feel kind of, well, useless most of the time. I guess that is a partially good sign that my true sense of identity came from parenting and not from my job. I have great jobs, don't get me wrong, but...that's just what I do for a living, not really where I draw my identity. I was commenting on this with my friends recently, saying I felt guilty that I wasn't really "doing" anything anymore, just hanging out with my wife and he said: "Yeah, that's what you are supposed to do now. Ya'll are "one flesh" after all."

So there it was. What I have taught for 18 years. A couples closeness and marital satisfaction increases dramatically when their children leave home. Their job is done, and now they get to enjoy a well deserved rest, together. Of course "done" is not really accurate. "Changes" would be more accurate. The parenting job changes in ways they can't really understand until they step into and through the days, weeks, months, and years of watching their adult children engaged in their own "adulting."

"But what if she...?" That's the worst part. There are no more easy or quick answers. The ... is no longer our responsibility, it's hers. And the greatest gift we can give now is to say to that question, "Then she will handle it." Therein lies part of the feeling of uselessness. A large part of the job of parenting is providing an elaborate safety net that changes and narrows over the young years, to catch them if they fall. But now, they don't want or need the net. They don't want someone hovering with a helicopter ready to bail them out (any more than I do. I'm a grown up for crying out loud!) Yeah, that's what she is saying: "I'm a grown up...let me live my life."

So, with that, some things I have learned that will scare the pants off of you parents of young children out there:

1) There will come a time when you will have to endure longer and longer periods of time where you will not know what they are thinking, feeling, or doing.

2) There will come a time when you will understand that you are not supposed to ask what they are thinking, feeling, or doing.

3) There will come a time when you will be unsure of how you are supposed to act around them. 

4) There will come a time when they become aware that you are unsure of how you are supposed to act around them and they will interpret that as disinterest, or worse.

5) There will come a time when they will make choices and you will not be able to talk them out of it, or influence them in any way.

6) There may or may not come a time when those choices will result in a cluster-#@&$ that you will then be "responsible" for untangling.

7) There will come a time when they feel deep resentment for your intrusion in their lives, but they probably won't tell you, cause they don't want to hurt your feelings; but you will probably feel it.

8) There will come a time when you realize that they have outgrown you, even if you haven't outgrown them.

9) There will come a time when you find a picture of when they were younger, and cry.

I struggled to find a 10th cause I like nice lists of 10...but I haven't gotten that far in the experience to anticipate it. Of course, there is a simple yet agonizing solution to all 9 of the above. It's really not that hard to figure out but it is occasionally very difficult to implement. I'm talking of course about...

A steel box with a lock, and some pillows. The following are the steps to utilization of this clever solution:

1) Acquire box

2) Line with pillows (for comfort)

3) Place child in box

4) Close and lock box

5) Throw away key

6) Enjoy the feeling of safety

Cruel and unusual you say? Just wait, I say.

No, the simple though difficult solution is this:

TRUST THEM

They aren't idiots, they aren't fools, they got themselves this far with your assistance and guidance. If you can't trust them now, what good were you to them? A lack of faith in my adult child is a lack of faith in my own parenting. I had one job with a million and one sub-parts: to teach them how to live life independently, autonomously. Now, they must practice, and they must fail, and they must get up and brush themselves off and try again. Familiar? Yes, it should be, that's how you did it.

The problem isn't them, it's us. They aren't generally terrified to be away from us. They got over separation anxiety a long time ago. The problem is with parent's interpretation or attribution (fancy psychology word there) ascribed to their behavior. With me, it was sadness and being slow on the uptake. For others, and I hear this often, it's anger. "They never call me. They don't listen to me. They are ingrates who think they know it all and don't need me anymore."

I say to that, and to myself, let's just take a deep breath and get over ourselves. We did it. We finished a very large part of our job. We graduated. Expecting our kids to fall over themselves thanking us for our awesome parenting, and calling us all the time and including us in every aspect of their lives would be like a High School teacher being upset with a graduate for not coming back to school the next semester and counting them absent for it.

Maybe I will write that parenting book after all, now that I know the very beginning of the grand rest of the story. Because the list of things that will scare the pants off of you is far over-shadowed by the list of things you will be Awed by:

1) There will come a time when you realize they don't need you anymore...because they are fine.

2) There will come a time when you get to sit and listen to them tell you all about what they have been doing, and thinking, and feeling. And you will just get to enjoy it and learn from it, because it's already happened.

3) There will come a time when you look forward to giving them some extra money so they can go have fun, and they will genuinely appreciate it.

4) There will come a time when they DO say thank you. (Probably proportionally to the extent that you have left them alone to live their lives for awhile.)

5) There will come a time when they demonstrate that they know more than you do about a wide variety of their own interests.

6) There will come a time when they introduce you to their music, and you will add it to your own playlist because hey, they have pretty good tastes.

7) There will come a time when they take you to their place of work and introduce you to their bosses and co-workers.

8) There will come many, many times when they tell you about how they solved problems all by themselves.

9) There will come a time when you realize at a very deep level, that they are your child. That they reflect your values and have put their own unique and ingenious spin on them to make them even better.

10) There will come a time when you understand that they did indeed learn from your mistakes, and know how to avoid them.

11) There will come a time when they understand the difficulties of adulthood, and choose not to go back to childhood...because, who would?

12) And, there will come a time when they start their own blog, picking up where you left off, just to tell the world, "I'm here."

Dora's Blog 

Man I love that kid...and I admire that young woman.